Saturday, January 9, 2016

GOP on a psychiatrist's couch

“Good evening Doctor. Good of you to see me late at night. No one should ever know I was here.”

“Hello. I think we’ve met before. Oh yes, I remember. Surely you’re Dr. Repub Goper, the scientist who created Trumpenstein, are you not?”

“Please Doctor, do not call me Shirley and don’t call me a scientist. I’m not one of THEM.”

“Very well. Please lie down on my couch. Why are you here?”

“I’m filled with anger these days. I’m angry about everything from Muslims, gays, women, and the idea that black lives matter. Don’t know whether I’m really angry or whether the anger is just Trumped up. Can’t help myself.

“It’s not how I was raised.”

“How you were raised. What was your family like?”

“I came from a fine family. My great-great grandfather’s great-great grandfather was Abraham Lincoln. He started the family line, kept the family together. He was a uniter, not a divider. He freed the coloreds, or to be “politically correct” the African-Americans. You know, I hate political correctness, seems we must walk around on egg shells to keep from offending one group or the other.”

“Do you find it difficult to speak freely without using despicably offensive language about women and minorities?”

“It’s like Trumpenstein said, we don’t have time for political correctness. But let me tell you more about my family.

“There was Teddy Roosevelt. Spoke softly, carried a big stick. That man knew how to pick his battles. But there was an uncle we don’t talk much about. I think his name was Herbert. Yes, Herbert Hoover. And then there was old Uncle Ike. Everybody loved Ike and they loved Uncle Ronnie, though he spent taxpayer money like a drunken sailor. That’s about it.”

“Why do I think you’re leaving someone out?”

“There was crazy Uncle Richard. How Tricky Dick stayed out of jail, nobody knows. The family’s problems started with him. He knew how to divide, how to play people against one another. He called it his “Southern Strategy.” Uncle Richard thought that if he said offensive things about black people, white people would love him more.”

“Did they?”

“Suppose they did. They elected him President twice. I must say, the family followed his blueprint ever since. Lee Atwater and Karl Rove come to mind as do Ann Coulter and Rush. Those folks knew how to follow the blueprint. Lee created the famous Willie Horton ad you know? Boy, did that ever scare those white folks into voting right.”

“I’m confused. If all those folks in your family tree knew how to win elections, what brings you to my couch?”

“Well Doc, it’s like this. There was a time when there weren’t as many of those people we pitted white folks against as there were white folks willing to be pitted against them. Today there are fewer white people willing to be pitted against people who are different and there are more people who are different. Get It? We’re between a rock and a hard place. Winning has become complicated.”

“Why not just change with the times?”

“Easier said than done Doc. You see, we have all those cousins and nephews and nieces who actually thought we meant it when we pitted people against one another. They took it to heart. They drank the Kool-Aid, all of it. After Uncle McCain and Uncle Romney lost, we tried to change. But those cousins and nephews and nieces just keep dragging us back. Oh, they love it when Trumpenstein talks about Muslims and Mexicans and women the way he does. You’ve heard ‘em cheer.”

“Can’t you explain to the cousins and nephews and nieces that the times and the demographics have changed?”

“You kidding? That’d be politically disastrous. That would just make them as angry about us as they are about that secretly-Muslim President who was born in Kenya.”

“Well Dr. Goper, I don’t think a psychiatrist can help you. I can refer you to an exorcist if you’d like.”

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