“It was on a dreary night in August with the Republican candidates debating on FOX News that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils. With anxiety I collected the instruments of life, around me that I might infuse a spark of being into the lifeless things that stood on that stage. Suddenly I saw the dull yellow eye of one of the creatures open; it breathed and a convulsive motion agitated its straw-like hair.”
Thus, a paraphrase of Mary Shelly’s classic prose describes an event so awful that even she could not have foretold. The creation of Trumpenstein.
Dr. Repub Goper spent decades assembling the parts, feverishly fashioning this creature. Looking upon the result, his expression betrays his horror. “Hateful day when I received life,” Trumpenstein exclaimed in joyous antipathy. “Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turn from me in disgust?”
Dr. Goper had worked methodically, knowing exactly what he was doing as he removed the specimen’s left hand and crudely attached a redundant right hand. He replaced its brain with a computer chip channeling FOX News all day every day. This allowed the creature to ignore the truth and to become completely oblivious to its own best interests.
Although the insertion of the FOX News chip likely rendered the procedure unnecessary, he also tore out the specimen’s heart.
The doctor then replaced the creature’s voice with that of another. Teaching the creature how to speak was assisted by talking points that Dr. Goper had developed. The words had to be simple for the creature was a simpleton.
This proved easier than he’d predicted. The creature quickly uttered its first words. “That’s socialism,” he cried with a snarl. The doctor smiled deviously as he heard his creature say those words. He knew everything else would now flow smoothly. “Repeal and replace” followed by “Guv’mint bad. “Bad guv’mint.” Now all he had to do was teach the creature to fill in the blanks.
“Bad guv’mint…take our guns” and “guv’mint bad…taking our freedoms.” The creature asked which freedoms “bad guv’mint” was taking. Dr. Goper told him he didn’t need to know. He just needed to repeat the phrase over and over again until he truly believed that something was being taken from him.
Dr. Goper looked upon his creation and, at first, pronounced it good. But one climactic day, the creature announced, “I will run for president. I know the talking points. I know how to stir fear among the base. Beware; for I am rich, and therefore powerful.”
Suddenly, the doctor looked upon the monstrosity he created. The sight horrified him. He had taught the creature what to think and what to say, but he did not give him a nice toupee. The doctor soon realized that was the least of his problems. He cried out in terror, “How can we stop this creature from ruining us?”
“Listen Dr. Goper,” said Trumpenstein, “you accuse me of being out of control; yet you taught me everything I know. You taught me what to think and say, and yet you would, with a satisfied conscience, destroy your own creature. Oh, praise the eternal justice of the post Citizens-United world!”
Trumpenstein continued to rave, "Slave, I before reasoned with you, but you have proved yourself unworthy of my condescension. Remember, I have power and I have my own money, lots of it; you believe yourself miserable now, but I can make you so wretched that the light of day will be hateful to you. You are my creator, but I am your master. Obey or I will run as a third party candidate."
Dr. Goper was aghast. “What have I done?” In my haste to win at all costs, I have created this monster. “Leave, Trumpenstein. I say leave now!”
"It is well,” said the monster as he combed the few remaining strands of hair over his growing bald spot. “I may go; but remember, I shall be with you on your election-night."