Today's sermon @ Highlands: A rightwing Christian organizes Jesus's entry into Jerusalem

GOD: Look at you! You’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Settle down, get it together.

Rodger: Mom?

GOD: “Mom!” No, it’s me, GOD.

Rodger: Ha, that’s something my mom used to say. “Rodger, you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off.” A little of her barnyard humor. Hello God. B-b-but, I was sure I heard a woman’s voice.

GOD: Imagine that. God as a woman. Now, that would frost ‘em, huh? Yeah, and what if they thought I was calling from Salt Lake City. (Giggle) Time to update your stereotypes Rodger.

Rodger: We all know God is a man because women can’t have long, white beards, but I don’t have time to argue with you about the obvious. I’m pretty busy right now. Can we talk later, maybe, like sometime after Easter?

GOD: When I see you acting like this, it makes me nervous. It reminds me too much of that day I couldn’t find Adam and Eve in the garden. Knew they must be up to something, and, of course, they were. What are you up to? Have you been listening to that talking snake?

Rodger: If you must know everything, I have been chosen to be the advance man for Jesus’s 2019 Palm Sunday parade. I gotta admit, I had no idea how much work it would be. Have you ever planned a parade like this?

GOD: Well, I did have something to do with the planning for that first one a couple of thousand years ago. You can make your life easier. Why don’t you just use that one as a roadmap? All you need to do is borrow a donkey. That’s it. The crowd materializes on its own, brings cloaks and palm branches to spread before Jesus. They get excited and holler “Hosanna, Hosanna,” and, voila, you have a parade.

The Romans and the fundamentalists get nervous and start plotting, one thing leads to the next and by the end of the week, we show the world the importance of sacrificing for ones’ beliefs and the good of others and how God will use that sacrifice to create new life. Simple but sure formula. Biblical, my man. You can never go wrong by using the Gospels as your script.

Rodger: All I know about that one is what I read in the Bible. Sounds like it was sort of put together on the fly. A poor man’s version of a parade. Jesus didn’t have much help, kind of winged it, didn’t he?

GOD: No winging it. Every bit of it thought out… symbolism, metaphors; every character, every word designed to send a message, a message about the choices between changing the world through love as opposed to controlling the world with power. Jesus entered Jerusalem on the back of that donkey to convey humility as opposed to Pilate entering at the same time on a great white steed, intent on demonstrating the oppressive power of the Roman empire.  

Rodger: Oh…well, doesn’t matter now. We aren’t like Jesus’s old followers. They were socialists who didn’t get along with others very well. This parade is going to be nothing like that one.

GOD: (Cough, cough) How’s that?

Rodger: We live in a different time, the “post-Constantine Age of Christianity” I like to call it. What you all did back then may have worked when Christians were the persecuted, but now, we’re on top. We don’t do the sacrificing anymore. No more humbling. We are right up there, a part of the hierarchy. We render unto Caesar and Caesar likes that. The power dynamic has flipped thanks to colleagues of mine who have good enough political instincts to back the right horse.

This is a QUOTE “Christian nation.” Oh, there’s a quid pro quo, as they used to say in Latin, but it’s not like we have to sell our souls. Well…it’s not as though we didn’t get a good price when we sold them. We have earned respect and when we don’t get it, we leave the pulpit and the pews and we go to our allies in the legislature to demand they pass laws putting our beliefs ahead of all others, you know, like you intended. It’s good to be connected and not feel like your swimming against the tide all the time. Isn’t that what you wanted?

GOD: Uh, uh; nope. Don’t put that on me. It was never a part of my plan to divide the world into different religions, denominations, and cults and I certainly don’t condone allowing those who claim to follow my Son to discriminate against those who don’t see it their way. And I was pretty clear about not getting into bed with the politicians, the rich and the powerful. C’mon man. That’s what got Jesus crucified 2000 years ago.

Rodger: Well, let’s be honest with one another. The Jesus followers at that 1^st Palm Sunday were…here, let me read it from David Bentley Hart’s translation of the New Testament…I’ve marked it because I knew this argument was coming. Here it is…he said they were “economically destructive, politically irresponsible, socially discreditable.”

We can’t have that in 2019. What matters is that we all recognize how much the times have changed. We’ve got the power now and this parade will send a clear signal to the doubting Thomases just how big we Christians have become. We intend to let ‘em know that none of them can come unto the Father but through us. Jesus is the gate and we sell the tickets. Jesus himself said so. There it is, in your words. “I am the way, the truth and the life. No man cometh unto the Father but by me.”

GOD: Now, you and I know that you know that is not what he meant. He was saying that the way to bring God’s kingdom to earth was to follow the teachings of Jesus, to do unto others as Jesus taught. He was not saying that the only way is to become one of you. And even if you were right, and you’re not, Jesus was not the first Christian. When Jesus said those things, you do realize, don’t you, that he was a devout Jew. You don’t think he was saying that the way, the truth and the life comes only through Judaism, do you? Come to think of it, that would be a delightful celebration of Karma.

Rodger: So, you’re a Buddhist now?

GOD: A Buddhist, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Zoroastrian, a Taoist, a Jew, even a Christian who understands the atheists and the skeptics; I’m all of the above and none of the above.

Rodger: Whatever. You see it your way; I see it mine. But I have a job to do and it begins by acknowledging that today’s Christianity is common sensical as it must be.

GOD: Oh my me! Maybe I shouldn’t ask…but I would like to hear more about your plans to re-enact Jesus’s triumphal entry into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday.

Rodger: Jerusalem? Who said anything about Jerusalem? Oh no. Not this time. Jerusalem is so first century…just not that big a media market; we want wall-to-wall television coverage; CNN, MSNBC, FOX, even ESPN and the Christian Broadcast Network, maybe even a Netflix original film streaming into everyone’s devices. On top of that, Jerusalem is not a place where the powerful gather.

Dig this. We are going to have this parade in Washington, DC., down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Capitol to the White House. The truth is that Jerusalem is just too dangerous these days, what with trying to control the Palestinians. Look at what happened last time that parade took place in Jerusalem. We’re not taking that same risk. It’s so unnecessary today. We want to do this where we can guarantee Jesus’s safety.   

GOD: Jesus’s safety? You’re worried about Jesus’s safety. You do know how the week ends, don’t you? Palm Sunday always leads to Good Friday.

Rodger: Doesn’t have to be that way if we Christians weren’t always so intent on making the wrong people angry. You know, following Jesus doesn’t have to be a burden.

GOD: How’s that?

Rodger: For starters, back then, Jesus-backers were a bunch of ragtag revolutionaries. Troublemakers. Pot stirrers. And not even you knew who was infiltrating that crowd along the Palm Sunday parade route. Terrorists, zealots, pickpockets…and I’m sure some of them were good people, but the problem was you all didn’t do enough vetting back then.

Those Pharisees were open border fanatics and the Romans had no border security. Anyone could show up in Jerusalem and say, “I’m here to celebrate Passover,” and they could walk right in. Nobody even checked to see whether they were circumcised.

GOD: But that isn’t how it happened. You’ve hijacked the story.

Rodger: We haven’t hijacked anything. We may have updated it. But, the old story, the one told in the New Testament knows little of the common sense required to be in today’s mainstream. It’s our story now. We didn’t hijack anything. We just figured out  how to tell it in these times.

These are not the end times. We have to get along with a lot of people the early Christians didn’t expect to share the earth with for more than a few years. So, today we have to make the wealthy and the powerful comfortable. Make them comfortable and they will join the parade. Render unto Caesar and Caesar will cause you no trouble.

So, for starters, that donkey? He’s out.

Remember that first Palm Sunday? Remember how embarrassing it was watching Jesus ride slowly along on the back of that donkey, so small that Jesus’ feet dragged along the ground? Meanwhile across town, Pontius Pilate was riding in on a big, beautiful white steed, saddle emblazoned with gold and silver, holding a sword, followed by flags and legions of soldiers. Pilate alone had the power back then. He knew how to convey an image of power. Now we have the power. That’s the image for the projecting the three Ps of the 21st century. Prosperity. Power. Prestige. The donkey’s out, the magnificent white steed is in.

GOD: Whew. I am feeling faint. Let me make sure I understand. So Jesus will ride into the capital city of the Empire on a white horse, carrying a sword as the people you’ve vetted wave palm branches and shout Hosanna?

Rodger: No, no, no. No palm branches. No riff-raff at all. We’ll get there before sunrise to clear away the bag ladies and the homeless veterans sleeping on the hot-air vents. The street cleaners will come through. We’ll be ready by noon.

Now, close your eyes and imagine the clear blue sky overhead; the parade starting with B2 stealth bombers making a spectacular fly-over at 12 noon sharp, three of them to represent the trinity.

Cannons then fire a 40-gun salute, you know, one for each day Jesus spent in the wilderness being tempted, and then  we all sing “God Bless America” while waving tiny American flags. Pretty cool, huh? Oh yeah, then comes Jesus.

A Jesus impersonator will come, first in the parade like he is in our hearts, sitting tall on that great horse, followed by 12 United States Senators riding in the back seat of 12 open-topped limousine convertibles representing the 12 disciples and then come the marching bands with the crowd singing, “Onward Christian soldiers, marching off to war, with the cross of Jesus going on before.”

GOD: So, there will be a cross in the parade?

Rodger: Ahugh, we thought about that, but you know, the optics are really bad. Crosses are so grim, such a sign of weakness. And a cross would probably offend the government. They’d think we were comparing them to the Roman Emperor who colluded with the fundamentalists to order Jesus’s execution. No hint of collusion here. I know the cross was a powerful symbol in its day…but now, the government is on our side. We need it to pass the laws we like, appoint the judges we recommend, marginalize the people who should be marginalized. The cross is an anachronism. No cross.

GOD: Hmmm, okay. How about the Last Supper? Still need that Upper Room we talked about?

Rodger: Last Supper? Not the best image. It would just make everyone sad to remind them what happened after the first Last Supper, you know Judas, the militia arresting Jesus, that show trial, confused disciples fleeing for their lives, the execution, the tomb. Bad memories.

We need to put all of that behind us. Focusing on bad memories is not the way to make new friends. We want to skip right from the parade to the resurrection. None of that unpleasant Holy Week stuff. No uncivil debates with the fundamentalists. No making a mess by turning over the tables in the Temple.

However, you’ll be glad to know that to celebrate the resurrection, we do have a post-parade banquet planned. I’ve looked into renting that upper room for the event. Did you know it will only seat Jesus and 12 others? Too small. We need something much bigger. We’ve rented the great hall at the Trump Hotel with chandeliers, gold trim, marble hallways, valet parking. Five Stars all the way around.

White-glove waiters will serve a gourmet dinner, and to add a special touch, there will be enough wine and bread to be shared at each table. There’ll be a long head table for our special guests. You can bet everyone who is anyone will be there. The rich and famous will try to pass their camels through the eye of a needle to get a ticket; rich young rulers will pawn all of their possessions to get the 30 pieces of silver that ticket will set them back.

GOD: Don’t be too surprised if someone comes along  before dessert is served and overturns the tables in that banquet hall.

Rodger: Now, you wouldn’t wreck the party that way again, would you? After all, there’ll be mayors, governors and senators. The Koch Brothers and Mark Zuckerberg  are buying tickets. The president himself will read 2 Corinthians. For some reason, the Pope bowed out when he heard about our plans as did the Dali Lama. Oh well. Their loss, I say. So we’ve invited Joel Osteen to say the blessing.

I don’t know how to say this so I’ll just say it. I’m afraid there are so many powerful folks wrangling for a seat at that head table. I’m not sure we’ll have enough room for you.

GOD: Well, that’s okay. Not my kinda crowd anyway and besides that, it’s clear I’m going to be awfully busy cleaning up after you all.